Date:	2006-12-13 18:15
Subject:	re: a nudge
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

OK, so...I don't update my journal very often. Usually, thats because
A.....I'm talking on the phone with my man and I give him all of my attention
B....I have nothing really interesting to post
C....I'm brain dead and worn out.
Well...since it was "the man" who nudged me, I guess I'd better be shamed into posting.
So, whats been going on? Well, its now 14 days until I make a one way trip to Denver. Now, for those of you whose hearts have just stopped...once the defibrillating is over...read on. No, I'm not moving south, much as the thought appeals to me, "HE" is moving north.
So, Dec 28, I will be flying down and Dec 29 we will be driving north and he will begin his life in the great white north..and WE will be under the same roof...a fact which brings a smile to my heart, a grin to my face and....er...well...um...other parts are affected positively too.

Its a big step..and a long trip but, we'll be together as we should be and life should smile. I will miss the visits to Denver, a city I do feel nicely at home in, but the gains far exceed the loss.

Anything else? Hmmm...just work and cats. Work...is work. I don't get a lot of satisfaction out of my job anymore...its just a paycheck
..course I'm kind of tired right now, so maybe that colours my outlook. But, after 17 years in the same office....things DO become a bit stale, especially when you have to deal with the corporate mega monster money mentality that our company has become. I try not to let it bother me...I don't always succeed. I'm just not the corporate hustler/pusher/aggressive/money hungry/etc. type.

Well....as gloomy as this post is...well...except for the moving part....its going to have to do for now.

I miss my man and I want him here now...

iT'S 4:20am I can't sleep. I hate it when that happens.

This isn't my usual time of day for posting to my journal..but here I am. I've fed the cats and had some breakfast and I'm just sitting here with a cup of tea...since I'm out of coffee. Anyway, I thought I'd just catch up on a few things. Since my life is so "exciting" it takes awhile to post anything remotely interesting. Things have been interesting. For one my cat Radar has been diagnosed with failing kidneys..which is of course terminal. I've had him since he wandered into my back yard a bright May morning about 15 years ago, so he's really a part of my life. Now I have to give him IV fluids about twice a week. Its difficult to do for me, I find it stressful to poke a needle into him and have fluids drip into him....he doesn't like it much either. Now, some people might just say put him down. But right now, he's still happy and alert and apart from having to get fluids (and there are humans who put up with much worse) he's pretty healthy. When the fluids aren't helping any longer...well then, it'll be time to end it all for him. Hopefully that won't be for a year or two. Thats the bad news in my life. The good news is that soon, the man in my life and I will be living together. Its something that I wasn't sure for the longest time was ever going to happen...but over the last few months its inched closer and closer. We've been making plans and plans and plans...and now at least some of them will come into reality. Its a huge step for him...and a somewhat smaller step for me. I admire him for making the decision since he will be leaving behind friends and a city that he (and I) both enjoy. It's going to be a big part of my life to make sure that he's happy but I'm sure going to try!
What else? Oh, work is work and I'm kind of tired of it..but then...who from time to time doesn't have that problem...must be midlife crisis or something. The part time job is wearing a bit thin but I'm slowly catching up so with any luck, I'll be able to quit that part of my life by the end of December...maybe the end of January. Anyway, thats enough negativity (except for the man in my life part). ITs time to go shower and get ready for work.

Date:	2006-11-13 18:30
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

YOU
CAN
ONLY
TYPE
ONE
WORD.
NO
EXPLANTATIONS!

Not as easy as you may think.

1. Yourself:
ch-ch-changing

2. Your boyfriend/girfriend
Awesome!

3. Your hair?
good

4. Your mother?
memories

5. Your Father?
model

6. your favorite Item:
gear!

7. Your dream last night?
none

8. Your favorite drink:
COFFEE!

9. Your Dream Car:
C550

10. The Room You Are In:
sanctuary

11. Your fear:
failure

12. What do you want to be in 10 years?
married

13. Who did you hang out wit6h last night?
Family

14. What you're not?
ambitious

15. Muffins:
Bran!

16. One of Your wish list Items:
peace

17. Time:
6:27:30pm

18. The last thing you did:
cook

19. What You are wearing:
flannel

20. Your favorite weather:
blizzard

21. Your favorite book:
Pratchett

22. Your life:
chaotic

23. YOur mood:
down

24. Your body:
OK

25. What are you thinking about right now?
arrival

26. What are you doing at th moment?
this

27.Your summer:
MEMORABLE!

28.
Best part of your life:
Mechecub

This year I've been busy!

Last week I pulled [info] bear4friends's hair (-5 points). In June I pulled over and changed [info] bradferd23's flat tire (15 points). In September I put money in [info] mechecub's expired parking meter (14 points). In October I helped [info] omniscient_one across the street (6 points). Last Thursday I bought porn for [info] mechecub (10 points).

Overall, I've been nice (40 points). For Christmas I deserve a new dolly!

Sincerely,
PDB1

Date:	2006-09-05 15:23
Subject:	this..and that...
Security:	Public
Mood:	recumbent

Well, here it is, Tuesday, Sept 5 and i sit here wondering two things...er..three things actually..mmm..make that. uh well..lets jus stop that right now. One big thing I'm wondering about is where the hell did summer go? It seems as if it just started in June then hit warp speed and just dropped out of warp here..leaving me high and dry in September. Whazzup with that? Can't really complain I suppose...it WAS a good weather summer with LOTS of heat and good stuff..but man, it just zoomed right by...and now I have fall..both my least and most favorite season staring me in the face to be followed by a Canadian prairie winter. Don't get me started about winter OK? Another thing I'm wondering about is why I'm sitting indoors here in front of the computer screen when its something like 27 outside and I'm on holidays (holidays...riiiiiiight). Well, that has at least a little to do with guilt and the message I got from one mechecub...aka (as well..many things)about the fact that I really hadn't put fingers to keyboard in here for sometime...and if there's anyone who can guilt me out....as far as blogging goes (sticks tongue out at mechecub..butch huh?)...it is HE. So, here I am on a sunny day when i could/should be soaking up some final rays.(Feel better now eric?).
Funny thing about these blog thingys is that I have all these great ideas set in deathless prose all lined up...and then i sit in front of the keyboard..and POOF...(the ideas..NOT me) they evaporate and I feel like I'm left with my nondescript, standard issue kind of life to talk about...or attempt to talk about anyway. What gives with that? If I could just find a way to hold it all together...I know I could pretty much blow everyone away with my superior writing skills and oh so pithy and funny comments and bon mots (french that is)...but...like thats gonna happen....so you're all safe. But you're warned that if i ever DO manage....your brains are gonna melt like ice cream on a hot sidewalk.
SO...what have i been up to? Hmmm....answer in short. Nada. I may be on vacation, but I had the opportunity to make a few extra bucks..and I've jumped at it. I worked stuffing flyers in our inserting dept. last Saturday..mindless, kinda simple work...but actually challenging in a physical way. Tryin' to keep up with all the "pros"....not easy...and hucking 60 pound bags of flyers around..while it doesn't sound like much....try doing it for 8 hours. Strangely enough...it was my back that complained the most...still for $11/hr...I wasn't gonna complain (suck it up princess).
I was supposed to go in tonight...but...got a call this morning...they're moving me over to bindery with Ray and Wes ( i really do think they're team members)..now i get to work with two nice (tall) guys..have no idea what I have to do..but I'll find out..and its $13/hr......so...I guess I can say i was at least productive on my vacation. Not the productive stuff I'd planned on though. That kind of productive included hauling all the furniture and stuff out of the living room....ripping up the carpets....painting walls, replacing baseboards and putting in laminate flooring....ah well..Christmas is now the deadline...and besides mechecub said he's gonna help me do it...if he says he will...he will..he's that kind of guy. So, tomorrow, Thurs and Friday, i will be doing who knows what with two tall blondes...sounds....racey!..but it ain't.
Other than that boys and girls, I'm counting days (yes, i know it sounds creepy and obsessive) until my return to Denver and my mechecub. But I miss him...and I'm not afraid to say it! He gets tired of me saying so...so OK...I won't say it.
Hmmm....looks like I just ran off at the mouth pretty well for a bit here and I've mentioned two of the three or four..or however many things I said I was thinking about. Lets see, thats 1) where did summer go and 2) what i did for my september vacation...or what i am in the process of doing anyway. Oh, did i mention that Friday I managed to get the ATM at the bank to keep my card? WEll..I did...and it was the account that had the money in it....so...it was a quiet weekend....that weird sound you heard was me pinching pennies all those days. Good thing I was stocked up on pretty near everything..but it put quite a serious kink in my long weekend...who knew that reading old magazines could be so much fun!!!! Just kidding..but it was a pretty quiet weekend.
Anyway, I've said enough, filled up the pre-requisite space and assuaged (look it up) my guilt feelings about not writing in here. Stay tuned sports fans...film at 11.

Date:	2006-08-20 13:54
Subject:	just another sunday
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

Time to post. Its been some time...and as I sit down here to write I realize that today was my parents wedding anniversary. What one, I'm not sure, but their anniversary nevertheless. Trivia.

Well, its been two weeks since Eric was here...two long weeks and I was very glad that he was here. He got to see a little of Canada and I enjoyed showing it to him. We had a good time and he's pretty much planned the remodeling of this entire house...spurred on no doubt by a visit to Ikea. Its surprising how much our ideas on design co-incide. We both fell in love with red laquered kitchen cabinets...I have the feeling its going to be a VERY interesting house when we're done with it..and I'm sure he WILL be here to do it...someday if not as soon as I might hope. We went out to Pigeon Lake on Saturday and I got to introduce the present and hopefully future, to the past.
Yeah, Eric and my ex met. It was odd for me and a little difficult...I felt like I was finally REALLY letting go of the past and facing into a hopeful but still uncertain future...it made me feel just a little lost and afraid..however, there were a pair of arms and some blue eyes there that kind of anchored me. At least it was a good afternoon and I think everyone had a good time. All things and visits come to an end though and Wednesday morning dawned grey and miserable. As good as I am with hellos, I'm equally bad at goodbyes. I ached to let him go..but of course he had to go back to Denver. There was sniffling, there was hugging, there were catches in our throats..but somehow, we made it through. As Eric said, its not like we're not going to see each other again..true..but still there's that separation. Anyway, thats my entry for today. It s a beautiful Sunday here...sunny, warm and i shojld be outside...but here i am. Film at 11.

Date:	2006-07-24 14:03
Subject:	another saturday
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow

Life in suburbia:

Time for another brief window into my life. It's kind of like looking into a bare room, but it is, nonetheless a window. What has been going on in my life? Well, work has been going on...and on...and on and holding less interest for me. I think thats because my mind has been focused elswhere and on other parts of my life that are taking on greater importance to me as time goes by. That focus being about a thousand miles south of me and about 3200 feet higher than my present elevation. Well, if I spend my days at work, my nights are spent online and on the phone with a certain someone...I'm not sure how we manage to spend at least a couple hours on the phone each night..and sometimes up to 5 hours...but manage we do and it's that phone time that keeps my life on an even keel and provides me with more joy and happiness than well...anything else. But enough. I've bent too many ears and rambled on about that part of my life...enough that I wonder if people dread hearing from me.

Today has been "exciting" if you class mowing lawns, fighting with a gas powered weed whacker and vacuuming exciting. If you're one of those bent and twisted individuals that do find those activities exciting..."get a life". If not..like the rest of us, then you know just how quiet things must be today if thats the highpoint...and it's only 1:45pm! I have to say though that the yard IS looking good. Right now the flowers are in full bloom and it looks like a paint factory exploded...colour everywhere (american readers please note spelling). The lilies are in full bloom and the roses smell wonderful. I think maybe later I will put on some suitable summertime music grab an ale, put my feet up and lounge under the umbrella on the deck....I wish I had a certain person here for company...but I'll have to rough it on my own I guess....damn I miss him. (There I go again).
Tonight? Hmmm....movie time and a big bowl of popcorn. I'll have to head down to the movie rental place and pick up a choice flick or two...or check whats on pay-per-view tonight. I guess I could head into Edmonton and see who is around, but money is a little tight right now until next Friday (payday) and I don't want to spend anything that I don't have to. All in all though...today finds me in a relatively good mood...having been on the phone till about 2:30am this morning..its not quite as good as being there..but..we both live with the constraints that life puts on us at the moment...and hopefully which will change one of these days. So, back to domestic chores.

Date:	2006-07-23 17:53
Subject:	captain's log...supplemental
Security:	Public
Mood:	thirsty

Another enlightening phonecall with mechecub. see, he taught me how to link...who says you can't teach Canadians new things eh?

Date:	2006-07-23 14:03
Subject:	the heat! oh, the heat!
Security:	Public
Mood:	horny

So, here it is. Sunday...and hot..well..for this part of the globe its hot anyway. 31 today...35 yesterday...good lord I'm back in Denver and I didn't even notice! I don't 'mind the heat really, its just the lack of A/C in the house...and the trickle of sweat that just ran down my back and into my...er...well..anyway...its hot in here. Its funny, we spend the winter moaning about the cold and snow...then in summer we're surprised when it gets hot. Canadians..duhhhh....weather moaners! I enjoy the heat...cause it ain't gonna last!

If this is Sunday...what about the rest of my weekend? OK, so the ex and his roomie and I went camping! We all met up at the campsite Friday night...ready for a fun weekend...as the Rocky Mountain Bears were having their camp out there that weekend...HOWEVER...it wasn't THAT weekend...it was NEXT weekend...felt stupid. And, to make it more interesting...there was some sort of Lesbian event going on...Packs of Roaming Lesbians everywhere. I wanted to socialize...just like Mechecub would like me to (G)...but NOOOO....no one else wanted to. So, we sat around our fire...they sat around theres....I did manage to strike up a brief conversation with one lady after her dog decided i was worth investigating...cute dog...had to ask her what it was....a Shiba Innu....really nice little dog...like a mini-husky...well..actually they're a mini Akita. So that was my inter gender socializing. WE just sat around the fire drinking beer, listening to "toons" and er..imbibing other substances....very "guy" huh? Went to bed at about 2am...had to fend off the ex's roomie a bit...but that worked. I was the first out of bed in the morning....8am got coffee started, everyone else got up..we made breakfast...decided that there was no purpose in staying another night....packed up....left...and went home. Spent the rest of the day trying to stay cool. At least though, I did manage to catch up with mechecub and talk to him until..oh 2am. It was nice...we'd missed Friday night...and we both felt odd about not being online...guess that means something huh? Well, thats about it really. Today I was domestic, watered the tomatoes, am doing laundry...yadda yadda yadda...
Time to head for the deck with something nice and cool.....first choice would be mechecub...cause he is nice...and he's cool....but...i'll have to settle for coolness of the beverage kind.
TTYL...film at 11.

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

✓ I miss somebody right now.  (he knows who he is.)	× I don't watch much TV these days.	× I own lots of books.
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.	× I love to play video games.	✓ I've tried marijuana.
✓ I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
× I curse sometimes.	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

Date:	2006-06-25 10:21
Subject:	whats new...or not.
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy

OK,OK...so...i haven't posted in quite some time...so sue me. Its been a momentous time in my life really. For the first two weeks in June I stayed with my mechecub in Denver. He's a wonderful man and he rocks my world simply by being alive. Much was done, much was left undone, people were met, dinners were consumed and basically I felt like a complete person again for the first time in a long while.
But...as all good things do, my time there ended and here I am back in "the house" and back at "the job"...living the single life...and not enjoying it much at all.

So, feeling down after a week back, I called my ex yesterday and he invited me over for a BBQ. So he, I and his roomate Ryan (who just happens to be from Denver) had a good visit. Talked about "what I did on my vacation" (sounds like the title for a post if ever i've heard one)..ate food and then went to see XMen III. Good movie, enjoyed it and I'm wondering when the 4th instalment will be out. Anyway, that being done I suggested we go out for a couple of drinks. That met with approval of all..so we went to Woody's..played pool and had a couple beers. So, then we went downstairs to Buddy's. Ok, now...usually I don't drink a lot (ask Mechecub..or Brady)..but last night..nursing separation anxiety and feeling just generally down, I turfed that rule out. So, much beer, some tequila AND a Bullmeister (apparently a Denver specialty)...I was somewhat snockered....enough to get up and dance with my ex...and a guy I'd met a few months ago (who subsequently asked me to go home with him..which I didn't). Good thing my ex is a non drinker since Ryan and I were not driving-capable. Had a good time though and managed to get home as the birdies were tweeting and the day was starting...about 4:30am. It was good to cut loose though..Lord knows I needed it. Many things in my life..not all of them to my liking..but thats for the "what I did on my vacation" post. This morning is a 4 hours of sleep and a touch hungover kind of post..but I felt guilty enough to finally post...hmmm..didn't I? didn't I? Anyway, thats about it. I will post an itinerary of my Denver trip...AND...since I'm going to the Gay Rodeo with friends (and the ex...no there is NOT a pattern developing here) next weekend, I'll probably have a post for that as well. So sports fans...thats it..film at 11.

Date:	2006-05-20 10:38
Subject:	My Joural.....the sequel
Security:	Public
Mood:	quixotic

Saturday morning of a long weekend...and I am WELL rested...thanks in part to a power outage last night. 8:30pm and suddenly...all is dark. Usually these things don't last but this did. Just like the Everready bunny, it kept going and going and going (which incidentally reminds me of someone..but thats another story). Thankfully I have candles...of course I have candles...I'm gay aren't I? Anyway, they became more than merely decorative as my house was lit by the soft glow of...lets just say a lot...of candles. I kicked around the idea of going out..but as its 45 mins to the nearest club and of course 45 mins back...I decided against it. I just kind of hung out...thinking that this is what it must've been like in "pre electrical" days...though at that time at least this situation was the norm and not a "curiousity". So..around about 10:30 i said "fukkit..i'm going to bed"...WAY early for me but what the hell...i woke up about 4 hours later....DVD playing...lights on....ahhh..back into the 21st century! Get out bed, shut everything off...back to bed. Exciting night huh? The hipoint was using the phone to call Denver. Short conversation since he was at the Wrangler with GIRLZ!!! Grin....ah well..just wanted to hear his voice...i miss him....my pillow gets hugged a lot. Anyway, I promised to help a friend of mine at her Garden Centre today...this is the BIG weekend for planting around these parts, and she's short staffed, so big hearted me (uh huh..she's paying me) said sure. Maybe there'll be some bears in the place...a likely happenstance I'm sure. Some with or without wives and children. I'm sure they'll get extra good servicing...er service. So, thats it from me for now. I'll fill everyone in on the garden centre caper tomorrow.

Date:	2006-05-10 22:04
Subject:	the first jounal entry
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive

well..its a Wednesday night and here i am mulling over what to put in my very first journal entry. I have been chastised by someone not so near, but dear to me, for not posting, so to keep domestic bliss and harmony...and to save my ears...here goes. Its been an interesting year, starting with the break up of a 25 year relationship last April, through adjusting to being single, to meeting a very special guy who totally turned my life upside down, to nearly losing him, to regaining his friendship and trust, to getting to know each other better and beginning to build something very special between us...not knowing where in hell it might go..but hoping like hell that it does go somewhere. He knows who he is..and is just about the most special person that I've EVER met..bar none...and that includes the man that I spent half my life with. I'm not going to bore you with details here...except that he calls me the "Pocket Daddy Bear". He makes my life liveable and gives me hope. Well, thats about it for a first entry. There will be more missives, winging their way through the aether from the Great White North...otherwise known as Canada. Oh yeah, I'm one o' those eh saying, bacon eating, beer drinking, tree falling (felling?) igloo building, snow shovelling Canucks. Film at 11!